Twas the Mall Before Christmas
by Noxbait
Summary: Setting: Season 7 post Evolution. It's Christmas Eve in Colorado Springs and Teal'c has some interesting company for a last minute shopping trip to the mall...


**Merry Christmas Eve! Merry Christmas! **

**I threw this together, desperately wanting to have it ready for Christmas. Hope you all enjoy and that you have a wonderful Christmas! **

**Set after season 7 "Evolution I and II"**

* * *

"I find this a very strange world, Teal'c."

"Indeed it is, Master Bra'tac."

Jack couldn't help but smile as he glanced in his rearview mirror and saw the great Jaffa Master wearing an unbelieving expression. He was like a kid at Disneyland and his head was going back and forth as he tried to see everything at once. Teal'c had been doing the Disneyland tour guide impression ever since they'd left Cheyenne Mountain.

_Ah, this was going to be great_.

It was Christmas Eve and the gang was all here. Or would be once the Carter's swung by to pick up Dr. Fraiser and Cassie. And everyone was in one piece. _More or less_. Jack thought, casting a glance at his passenger. Daniel was looking like he might have been reconsidering the idea of some more good drugs and a bit longer in bed. Jack couldn't blame him. He'd seen the bruises and getting shot never was exactly a lot of fun. Teal'c had a few new scars and Carter would probably be wearing a sling through the New Year, but they were all alive. As an extra bonus, they had both Bra'tac and Jacob Carter visiting for Christmas.

He glanced back again to see Bra'tac's eyes widen as they went by a house brightly lit with Christmas lights. Teal'c carefully explained the significance of the lights and the fact that, no, Tau'ri homes were not _always_ so brightly lit. What a time of the year for Bra'tac to get his first visit to the outside world! Teal'c was taking it all in stride and obviously considered himself quite the expert of all things Earth. The interesting part of it was that Daniel hadn't piped up even once to add any historical or anthropological insight. Of course, that might have been because he was overtired and in pain, but Jack had the distinct feeling that Daniel knew Teal'c had it covered.

They pulled up to the doors of the mall. Teal'c had been adamant that he be allowed to introduce Bra'tac to the wonders of the American shopping establishment. While he had been slightly hesitant, Jack had relented once Teal'c had sworn that he would keep Bra'tac from maiming or killing anyone. Heaven knew Teal'c had been ready to carry his weapon with him everywhere the first few times _he'd_ gone out into the strange world that was Earth. Teal'c had insisted that Bra'tac must see the wonders of the mall and sample the foods in the great marketplace that was the food court. So Jack simply pulled up to the door and hoped for the best. He wanted nothing more than to go along with the two Jaffa, if just to amuse himself by listening to their comments. Watching them walk toward the door, Jack couldn't help but grin.

The two Jaffa warriors were dressed in clothes Teal'c had personally procured. Much to everyone's surprise, Bra'tac had been exceedingly pleased with Teal'c's choices. He was dressed in jeans and a bulky Mossy Oak camo coat with a bright orange baseball cap on. Teal'c was wearing a similar coat and a black skull cap. They were planning to go hunting over the weekend and looked very appropriate to the season.

"What could two Jaffa possibly buy at the mall for Christmas?"

"Survival kits?"

"At the mall?"

"There's a sporting goods store." Jack shrugged as the two Jaffa in question entered the mall. "Only reason I ever go to the mall."

"I'm actually a lot more nervous about this than I thought I would be."

Jack frowned, looking over at Daniel. "Nervous about what? _You're_ not the one hosting the in-laws and out-laws for Christmas dinner."

"No, I'm nervous about Teal'c and Bra'tac alone, unsupervised and wandering the Colorado Springs mall." Daniel said, glancing at Jack. "Maybe we should go with them."

"Heck no." Jack said firmly, hitting the gas. "This parking lot is a war zone and I don't even want to think about what it's like inside. I'm not going any closer than this. Besides, Janet said you were supposed to stay off your leg."

"What Janet doesn't know won't hurt her."

"No it'll hurt _me._ She gave me a lecture..."

"I was there."

"Apparently paying no attention whatsoever." Jack snorted, "As usual."

Daniel shook his head, "I was listening. The whole time. I was listening even though you were interrupting her every five seconds."

"She was repeating everything."

"Because you were interrupting her every five seconds." Daniel smiled. "You really think they're safe on their own?"

"Teal'c's been Christmas shopping before. They'll be fine."

Daniel remained dubious, closing his eyes and leaning his head back against the head rest. "I just hope they don't scare too many people and get kicked out. He's got my list."

"Last minute shopping, eh?"

"How exactly did you think I was going to get my Christmas shopping done?"

Jack smiled grimly. Having been detained by guerrillas and then spending a good bit of time in the infirmary did tend to put a damper on ones Christmas shopping plans. He had also struggled to get his shopping done, but thanks to some help from Cassie, he had finished his shopping earlier in the week. Jack merged into traffic, grateful to be away from the hectic mall traffic, and looked over at Daniel. "You ok?"

"Yes."

"Uh huh." Jack shook his head, not buying it. The way Daniel was sitting made it obvious he was uncomfortable. "Well you get the afternoon off regardless. Sounds like Jacob and Janet were going to duke it out as to who gets to cook what. With Sam and Cassie along, I'm thinking the safest place for you and me is the living room with the game on."

"Works for me."

* * *

"What is the purpose of this device?"

Teal'c glanced over at his mentor. Bra'tac had a wary frown on his face and was turning a strangely shaped object over and over in his hands. Teal'c smiled, reaching for the object. He easily flipped a switch, causing the device to begin shaking. Teal'c put it against Bra'tac's back. "This is a back massager."

Bra'tac's face remained confused as he repeated, "What is the purpose of this device?"

"It relaxes tense muscles. I find such devices must useful after difficult missions."

"Hm. This is most relaxing." Bra'tac nodded, a slow smile spreading over his face. "I believe I should like one of these!"

Teal'c nodded sagely, "I believed you might. We shall purchase one."

"What shall we use to trade for this tense muscle relaxer?" Bra'tac asked as they moved through the crowd.

"The Tau'ri use coins and paper to trade. I have earned much money since I have been working here." Teal'c said, leading the way to a register. He made the purchase and began leading the way to the next area of the store, handing the bag to Bra'tac. "We must seek items for Daniel Jackson. He has been unable to procure the Christmas presents on his list."

"I see." Bra'tac frowned again, peering into the bag. He looked up at Teal'c, feeling disoriented and overwhelmed at the bustle all around them. "I feel that we are in the midst of a great battle, Teal'c."

"Murray." Teal'c corrected.

"Yes, yes, forgive me. Murray."

"Indeed. The American marketplace known as the shopping mall does resemble a battle zone. Today is one of the most challenging shopping days, however I believe it still pales in comparison to the day after Thanksgiving. It is known as Black Friday and people rise before the sun in order to procure what they refer to as bargains. These bargains are highly valued and often fought over with great zeal."

"What is a _bargain_?" Bra'tac asked, a look of wonder on his face. Surely something so valued must be a most incredible treasure.

"A bargain is an item that is priced far below what it normally is priced. The Tau'ri value a deal more than many other things. Even if the item is something they would not ordinarily purchase, if it is on sale, they will buy it with great alacrity."

"I see. Most interesting." Bra'tac followed Teal'c out into the mall. The first store they had been in had been overwhelming, but stepping out into the greater mall was an entirely new experience in confusion. Bra'tac spoke softly, "Murray, we should not be traversing this place without a weapon."

Teal'c smiled gently, "We shall be fine, Master McClane. I possess both a battle plan and the survival skills necessary to ensure we both reach O'Neill's dinner party this evening."

Bra'tac nodded somewhat dubiously, then asked softly, "Who is this McClane that you have named me after?"

"He is a great warrior of the Tau'ri cinema."

"Sin emah?" Bra'tac repeated slowly.

"Cinema." Teal'c repeated, and led the way to a pretzel stand. "It is a type of role playing experience. I have several planned for you to view this weekend, Master McClane. Then you shall learn the strength of this man McClane."

"An experience I look forward to, Murray." Bra'tac smiled, waiting patiently as Teal'c ordered something that smelled most delicious. Ever since entering the mall, he had been smelling all of the most wonderful scents he had ever been privileged to smell. Right now, Teal'c was handing him a hot brown twist of what smelled like fresh bread. Bra'tac accepted it eagerly and watched as Teal'c took a bite, then took his own. His eyes widened with delight. "This is most wonderful!"

"Indeed. It is a pretzel. There are many other delicacies that I want you to sample while we are shopping. This is merely the beginning."

Bra'tac smiled even wider as they began walking again, enjoying their warm treat. When he had returned to Earth with Teal'c and the Carter's, Bra'tac had been surprised by the offer extended to him by Hammond of Texas. The great Tau'ri general had asked Bra'tac if he would like to stay on Earth during the holiday season. Teal'c had taken the time to explain exactly what the 'holiday' season was and encouraged Bra'tac to accept the offer. At first, Bra'tac had been slightly concerned about setting foot off the base. He had long desired to see more of the Tau'ri homeworld, but when faced with the actual opportunity, he had grown somewhat nervous. Teal'c had been enthusiastic and eager, so he had put aside his ridiculous nerves and gone through the necessarily medical and security checks that were required before he could exit the mountain.

Enjoying his pretzel, Bra'tac tried to navigate the teeming crowds and take in all the sights around him. It was overwhelming. Unfamiliar, but pleasing, music blared out of loudspeakers, the laughter and cries of children mingled with the never-ending babble of conversation. The smells were incredible and he was thrilled that Teal'c planned to purchase other delicacies. The lights were almost painful on his eyes, which was his only complaint so far at this Tau'ri bazaar. He paused, seeing a crowd of people around a central area where many children were squirming and squealing. There was a very fat old man in a garish red and white suit sitting in a large, equally garish throne.

"Teal'c!" Bra'tac exclaimed, completely forgetting about the pseudonym that he was supposed to use.

Teal'c turned to him, eyebrow raised in question.

Bra'tac pointed at the man, lowering his voice, "Teal'c, who is that creature? It appears as though he is a Goa'uld."

Teal'c smiled gently and quickly explained the cultural phenomenon that was Santa Claus. As he explained it to Mater Bra'tac, Teal'c mused on how unfamiliar all of this had seemed. Jaffa were not exactly the sentimental type, but he found himself thinking back with great fondness on his first Christmas with his new teammates. They had all been very eager to share the customs of their world with him and he had enjoyed their enthusiasm even as he had struggled to grasp their unfamiliar traditions.

"So he is not a god of any sort?" Bra'tac was asking, still eyeing Kris Kringle with the utmost suspicion.

"No, he is a character of folklore that brings joy to children around the world." Teal'c clarified, noting that Bra'tac seemed to be relaxing as he observed the happy faces of the children surrounding Santa Claus. Teal'c glanced at the list. He was grateful he had finished his own shopping in November, before Kull warriors and other assorted mayhem had brought trouble to the SGC. Now he merely had to finish purchasing the remaining items on Daniel Jackson's list.

* * *

"_Aray Kree_!"

Teal'c turned in surprise at Bra'tac's exclamation of _stay where you are_ and saw the Jaffa Master wielding a hanger toward a small Christmas tree that was dancing and blaring the raucous strains of "_Rockin' around the Christmas Tree_."

Bra'tac's eyes were wide and wary. Never taking his eyes off of the small tree, he asked, "What is this devilment, Teal'c?"

Teal'c could not help the smile that came over his face as he gently lowered Bra'tac's arm. "This is a device for children's merriment; it will not harm you."

* * *

Upon reaching the food court some of Bra'tac's wariness seemed to fade. He took in the sights and smells with a growing smile. This, of all things he had seen so far, was reminiscent of the great markets of Chulak. Here amongst the crowds og people calling out their orders for food and drink, Bra'tac felt more at ease. Even so he looked to Teal'c for guidance as to what to request.

Teal'c nodded knowingly. "I too was overwhelmed when Daniel Jackson first brought me to this establishment. He advised me on the best things to try. I should think we should start with the moat beloved and traditional of all Tau'ri fare: the Big Mac."

Bra'tac inclined his head slightly. "Is this mac some sort of wild beast?"

"You might say so." Teal'c replied, then explained what a Big Mac was just as they reached the counter. "Two Big Mac meals with Cokes."

The clerk, a tiny girl barely five feet tall looked way up, a touch of fear in her eyes and asked timidly, "Super sized?"

"Indeed."

A few minutes later they were enjoying their American fare. Bra'tac seemed confused by the Coke, though. He peered at the cup and then down the thin cylindrical appendage protruding from the top. He had no idea how to work it. He glanced at Teal'c who was contentedly munching on his fries. Not wanting to appear as a fool in front of his pupil, Bra'tac decided he would just ignore his growing thirst and wait until Teal'c took a drink. A few seconds later and his patience was rewarded.

_Ah. So that is how it is done..._

* * *

"I would most definitely like to trade for this fine tunic, Teal'c."

"Murray." Teal'c corrected slowly. They had been in the mall for nearly five hours and he was actually beginning to find it quite tiresome. He had a sudden realization of how annoyed his teammates surely must have felt when they were first introducing him to Earth culture. He studied Bra'tac as the great Jaffa Master held up a plaid patterned mini skirt. Teal'c was aware of the stares of many teen girls all around them. Just as Bra'tac exclaimed excitedly that he had found one in his size_, _Teal'c decided it was probably time to consider calling O'Neill for a ride home.

* * *

Bra'tac stood before the unfamiliar object Teal'c had called a sink. It was supposedly this world's version of a stream, but Bra'tac could not figure out how to get the water running. At least how to get it running consistently. For some reason, the sink stream seemed to be very irregular. Every once in awhile the stream would sputter. Other times it grew dry. It seemed to be taunting him. Depending on how he moved, the stream flowed. By the time he managed to cleanse his hands, Bra'tac was wondering why the Tau'ri insisted on making the most simple things exceedingly difficult.

* * *

"Have we purchased all of the items required?" Bra'tac asked, feeling incredibly weary.

Teal'c smiled, "Indeed we have. Daniel Jackson will be most pleased."

"Very good."

"Have you enjoyed your experience, Master McClane?"

Bra'tac took a slow breath. It had been quite a day and he was as weary right now as he would have been if he had just battled ten Goa'uld**. **"It has been most enlightening."

Teal'c had to smile at Bra'tac's lackluster comment. He got the distinct feeling that Bra'tac was a trifle overwhelmed by his first experience outside of the SGC. Perhaps it had something to do with him being a bit more advanced in years than Teal'c. Older individuals seemed to be less able to adapt, he mused, reaching for his cell phone.

* * *

Jack reached for his cell phone, grateful it had decided to wait until commercials to ring. He answered, "This is Jack."

_"O'Neill. We are prepared to depart. Please come at once."_

Jack grinned, "Having fun?"

"_At once, O'Neill._" The line went dead.

"What's that?" Daniel mumbled sleepily from the recliner.

"Teal'c. I get the feeling he's had enough time bonding at the mall with Bra'tac." Jack shook his head. "He wants me to come. _At once_."

"At once, eh? Sounds urgent."

"Remember the first Christmas we took him shopping?"

"Yes. I'm still not sure which one of you was more frustrated."

"Well, I think it sounds like Teal'c's on the other end of the stick this time."

"Better take him some cookies. Oh and bring me some more before you go…" Daniel waved a hand in the vague direction of the kitchen.

"Uh uh." Jack said, standing up, "I'm not taking my life in my hand again by going into that kitchen. It's dangerous. You'll just have to live till we get back."

"Coward."

"Youbetcha." Jack shook his head, "There are two Carter's and the Napoleonic powermonger in that kitchen…"

"I heard that!"

* * *

**Hope you enjoyed...PS for any of you who, like me, are wondering exactly what's been going on in that kitchen while the Jaffa warriors were taking on the mall, stay tuned...I plan to have at least one more chapter. :D Merry Christmas! **


End file.
